The entire time we’re in the airplane I have to bite my tongue, but by some miracle, when we land in Bangkok I just stop thinking about it. Wonderful holiday! We’ll stay here for one night, and then fly to Myanmar. I’m so excited!
The first days in Myanmar also go well. We do so many nice things, and see so much that I start wondering if children even fit in this wonderful life, haha! But the feeling passes quickly enough.
We’ve been away for 8 days now and he’s not said anything about it yet. We’ve arrived at Inle lake and go for a walk, but we get lost. On the way back I can’t restrain myself anymore, “We were going to talk about having a baby during the holiday, weren’t we?” Denny reacts with immediate irritation, “No, áfter the holiday.” What?! These words upset me immediately. I’m so sick of this!!
I explode right there, in the middle of nowhere and everything I’ve been holding in just comes rushing out: that I think he’s scared, that I’m scared he’s just leading me on, that I’m tired of waiting and that if he doesn’t want a baby he needs to just SAY IT! Then we can move on with our lives. I’m so angry I don’t even wait for him to answer. I walk well ahead of him, fighting tears. Fuck this. Fucking baby, fucking country. It can all just bugger off. Fuck it. I walk and walk and walk. The way back is easier to find, fortunately. Denny walks behind me. It must look strange. Two white people in hiking boots with the woman clearly furious and walking far ahead.
There is so much going through my head, but the one thing that shines clearly through all of it is that I now really want clarity. I don’t want to live without Denny, but I need to know whether it’s going to be without or without a baby. I can’t handle the uncertainty!
I don’t know how long I keep walking for, but slowly we arrive back in civilization. Luckily I know the way back without asking Denny. When I’m standing in front of the guest house I suddenly don’t know what to do. Do I go inside and have to sit in one room with him? Or should I keep walking? I’m standing there, wavering and before I know what’s happening Denny is standing in front of me. He’s looking at me with those puppy dog eyes of his. I always call them that – it’s a look he gives me, when he looks so hurt that I usually just want to make up with him immediately. I just don’t know how to make up this fight. I can’t make it up. This time it’s up to him. He has to give me an answer. And he has to do it NOW!
Ps. 1: ok, only once: tomorrow there will be an extra blog. morgen komt er een extra blog.
Ps. 2: Note from Denny: “We really agreed to talk about it áfter the holiday” 🙂