Today is my birthday. I never celebrate my birthday. I don’t like throwing birthday parties nor going to them haha (anyone with me?), but I turned 40… 40.

40 years old.

Photo: Zeeuws lief

It still needs to sink in. When I was in my twenties I thought you were old when you turned 40. Very old. And now I’m 40, and I’m not old at all. I don’t feel old. In fact, not much has changed in the last years. I could easily still be 30.

I really had trouble turning 30 by the way. I hated it. I didn’t accomplish anything I had imagined at 30 and it felt like the best years of my life were over, now “the real work” started. 10 years later I can easily say that this “real” work, wasn’t as “real” as I thought, it was a lot of fun. Turning 30 wasn’t bad at all 🙂 and my thirties were fantastic!

But turning 40 has an extra emotional charge and I wonder how you’ve experienced this (or how you think you’ll experience it). I feel the child bearing years end at 40. And before every woman who had a baby at 40 or after 40, emails me: I know… There are enough women who did have a baby at 40 or after. The thing is, I can remember my classes midwifery like it was yesterday. Before your thirties is the best age (physically) to have a baby and your most fertile, at 35 your getting old and at 40 you are a grandmother (not to even mention all other high risks involved). It’s also the reason you are able to transfer 2 embryo’s at the same time at this age, because the chances of one sticking aren’t big, so it increases the chance of having a baby at all.

Now you might think: do you want anymore babies?

Well. Yes. No. I don’t know.

Does Denny? No.

But you know, I am 40 years old now, so IF I do like to have another baby, something has to happen now. But what? At the time we went to the hospital in Groningen, because I didn’t want to use any hormones trying to have a baby. I’m horrible with hormones. It turned out to be true during my pregnancy (as sick as can be) and during the nursing period (no libido at all + and god knows what more).

The first 2 years after having Liv, I didn’t think of having another baby, I even felt sorry for anyone who did have a baby within 2 years after the first haha. But when Liv slowly got more independent and breastfeeding got less, I slowly started to think about having another baby. Never serious enough, especially because Denny isn’t on board and I doubted too much to ask him seriously. I did call the hospital in Groningen before we started our world trip. They only do IVF and ICSI on your own cycle if your not older than 35. I wanted to know if they ever make an exception, before booking our trip. They discussed it with the team and called me back to inform me they don’t make any exceptions and so I booked the trip without any doubt.

But I’m going to say it again: I’m 40 now! I can remember so well how it felt not knowing if we would ever have a child of our own and I made myself a promise to always be grateful and happy if we would ever have a baby. And I am! Still every single day I’m grateful for having Liv and I enjoy every single minute (well almost) of being a mother (I didn’t become a fulltime mom for nothing haha), but I would love to have another brother or sister for Liv. Same goes for having another tiny baby in the house. I do wonder if I would be able to handle it physically and I’m not exactly looking forward to sleepless nights, nor having no time together, or leaking boobs and I messed up body, or being sick for the first 20 weeks of the pregnancy (or who knows for how long) and then having 2 kids… I always hear it’s a big change from 1 to 2.

And lets not forget: Denny doesn’t even want another baby.

When I was pregnant with Liv I knew she was a girl. It wasn’t a feeling, I just KNEW it. Never ever in my life I’ve been so certain of something. The same goes for the feeling that there would be another baby. A boy. The last 2 years I often thought that it might happen spontaneously (although it’s only a 2% for us), but here we are: September 25th 2019, 40 years old, no baby.

Instead I’m writing this blog going from thought to thought not knowing what to do with it or even IF have to do something with it. So I’m asking you: is it recognizable? Tips? What should I do?

In any case, I hope I’ll write the same about 40 as I did about 30 in this blog, then I’m sure it’s going to be another great 10 years again!

Happy birthday to me 🙂

PS. Probably unnecessary to say, but I’m very grateful that I turned 40 in good health. I know that’s not always the case and I do realize that.